The Cities That Need Viagra

Certain health conditions are more private than others. For example, while we can picture a man lamenting that a cold is kicking his butt, we can't imagine him sharing what his hemorrhoids are doing back there. Same thing goes for erectile dysfunction: When Willie won't work, often the only people who know about it are behind the bedroom door.

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So in order to ID where ED is bringing men down, we analyzed Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rates of three critical risk factors: smoking, obesity, and diabetes. Next we looked at who's protecting his erection with regular exercise (Simmons). And since there's medical help available for ED, we looked at the number of urologists per capita (American Urological Association Foundation) and the number of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra prescriptions filled (SDI). So relax, Tulsa: You can put the oak back in Oklahoma.

STIFF DRINKS

A bender may leave you soft in the sack for a night, but moderate drinking could actually prevent ED in the long run. Australian researchers found that men consuming fewer than three drinks a day are up to 48 percent less likely to suffer from ED than those who never imbibe. Antioxidants in some drinks may help improve bloodflow.

SPOT THE SNAKE OIL

You can find anything on the Internet, but that's not a good thing for men with erectile dysfunction. Rather than bring their problem to a doctor, many men search the Web for "all-natural" alternatives to prescription ED meds. But these supplements may contain chemicals similar to the ingredients in Viagra and Levitra — chemicals that could result in dangerous interactions. Think you've spotted a bogus boner drug? Report it at fda.gov/oc/buyonline/buyon lineform.htm; the FDA may add it to a rogues' gallery at fda. gov/consumer/updates/erectiledysfunction010408.html.

Limpest cities

100 Tulsa, OK F
99 Lubbock, TX F
98 Charleston, WV F
97 Arlington, TX F
96 Fort Worth, TX F
95 Oklahoma City, OK F
94 Anchorage, AK F
93 Bakersfield, CA F
92 Modesto, CA F
91 Omaha, NE F
90 Wichita, KS F
89 Cheyenne, WY F
88 Phoenix, AZ F
87 Corpus Christi, TX F
86 Fargo, ND F
85 Fort Wayne, IN D-
84 Lexington, KY D-
83 Riverside, CA D-
82 Toledo, OH D-
81 Memphis, TN D-
80 Indianapolis, IN D-
79 Columbus, OH D
78 Detroit, MI D
77 Louisville, KY D
76 El Paso, TX D
75 St. Louis, MO D
74 Boise, ID D
73 Albuquerque, NM D
72 Sioux Falls, SD D
71 Des Moines, IA D
70 San Antonio, TX D
69 Cincinnati, OH D
68 Tucson, AZ D+
67 Lincoln, NE D+
66 Greensboro, NC D+
65 Las Vegas, NV D+
64 Kansas City, MO D+
63 Fresno, CA D+
62 Bangor, ME D+
61 Houston, TX D+
60 Cleveland, OH D+
59 Jacksonville, FL C-
58 Spokane, WA C-
57 St. Petersburg, FL C-
56 Colorado Springs, CO C-
55 Billings, MT C-
54 Jackson, MS C-
53 Little Rock, AR C-
52 Montgomery, AL C-
51 Birmingham, AL C-
50 Tampa, FL C-
49 Honolulu, HI C-
48 Norfolk, VA C-
47 Sacramento, CA C-
46 Milwaukee, WI C-
45 Portland, OR C
44 Philadelphia, PA C
43 Richmond, VA C
42 Nashville, TN C
41 Madison, WI C
40 Pittsburgh, PA C
39 Aurora, CO C
38 Dallas, TX C+
37 Raleigh, NC C+
36 Denver, CO C+
35 Los Angeles, CA C+
34 Austin, TX C+
33 Chicago, IL C+
32 Charlotte, NC C+
31 San Diego, CA B-
30 Buffalo, NY B-
29 Baton Rouge, LA B-
28 Rochester, NY B-
27 St. Paul, MN B-
26 Columbia, SC B-
25 Anaheim, CA B-
24 Minneapolis, MN B-
23 Baltimore, MD B-
22 Wilmington, DE B-
21 Salt Lake City, UT B
20 Seattle, WA B
19 Orlando, FL B
18 Fremont, CA B
17 Manchester, NH B+
16 Grand Rapids, MI B+
15 Yonkers, NY B+
14 San lose, CA B+
13 Miami, FL B+
12 Providence, RI B+
11 Oakland, CA B+

Hardest cities

10 New York, NY B+
9 San Francisco, CA B+
8 Newark, ND B+
7 Jersey City, NJ A-
6 Durham, NC A
5 Burlington, VT A
4 Atlanta, GA A
3 Washington, DC A+
2 Hartford, CT A+
1 Boston, MA A+

Check out an interactive map and see more rankings at MensHealth.com/metrogrades.

Halloween

A vampire meets another vampire who is consuming a man. The first vampire goes: "Hey what's up? Can I have him when you're finished with him?"
"Sure.... sucker!!"
"Well, you sucked him too?"
"Are you accusing me of being a sucker like you?"
"Well, duh, you're a vampire, remember?!"
"Right!" The vampire then starts sucking the first vampire.
"What are you doing, IDIOT?!"
"That's Mr. Sucker to you!"

=)

And another one:
A vampire walks into a bar "Give me something diet! Mmm just the way I like my diabetics!!"

The Sound Behind A Door

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door!”
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight!

Punish those you don't like.

If you have the opportunity to use the toilet in the establishment of someone or something that you have a dislike for and the toilet has an accessible low level cistern, you may wish to remove the cistern lid, your trousers and underwear and then precariously balance over the open cistern. Evacute your bowels in to the cistern... trousers up.. lid back on..and off you go.

If you are lucky your turd will remain undiscoverd in the cistern long enough for it to become enmeshed in the mechnics of the flushing system.

Unfortunately most hotels don't give you access to the cistern.. I think they may be wise to this.